I watched Paul Bettany play a character who was raised to put only God first in the movie, “The DaVinci Code”. A bishop took advantage of this man’s self-mortification by flagellation (torture of his own body) and assigned him in the name of God to kill the members of a secret society who believed that Jesus was the father of Mary Magdalene’s baby. Here’s a character who gave his all to God not realizing until the end that he had been used for nefarious purposes.
Like the penitent man in the movie, many of us who are caregivers give our all without thought to our own mental, social, and physical well-being, especially those of us who serve family members 24 hours a day and are not paid.
I was raised to believe in the “Golden Rule”—Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. According to Matthew 7:12, “Therefore whatever you desire for men to do to you, you shall also do to them; for this is the law and the prophets.” (World English Bible) “For there is no man who would that another should act towards him with a double heart” (Augustine). Today, it’s kind of been twisted into “do unto others before they do unto you”.
According to Christie Bates, an author on Medium.com website Human Parts Humans 101, “You’re Supposed to be a Little Bit Selfish”, March 9, 2021. “So many of us neglect our own needs to avoid seeming self-centered, and then we wonder why we are so unhappy. It’s a scale of self-negation (freezing cold) vs. selfishness (boiling hot). A little selfishness puts us at an average 98.6 degrees for this example = self-caring and responsible. There’s a whole range of normal temperatures/healthy ways to be responsible to both ourselves and others. Self-mortification is just as self-centered as selfishness.
As a child, we only thought in extremes. Too much or too little is a problem. Maybe you were having a hard time saying ‘no’ to babysitting. Either extreme of identification with self is inauthentic and can lead to stress and pain for you and others.” [A summary–Please read the article for yourself]
I’ve heard of couples leaving their young children at home alone to go on vacation. Too hot. Never going on a vacation at all? Too cold. I remember from church that we were supposed to put God first, then others, then self. That doesn’t leave much for ourselves. I know a woman who alternates between getting her own hair done and getting her loved one’s hair done. That makes sense to me.
A good thin book to read is Teraleen Campbell’s Carefree to Caregiver. It tells section by section what she learned in taking care of her mother who went from staying in her own home to having to be moved to a nursing home near friends and relatives for her comfort but a distance away from her daughter/caregiver. She explains what she and her mother went through. She also leaves a page for notes after each section. Ms. Campbell includes the things she found out along the way which would be useful for a caregiver to know. We in the Coffee Tea and Me Caregivers Support Network just finished reading and discussing Ms. Campbell’s book over the past few weeks. Her book is available on Amazon.
Written by Rosa L. Griffin
nervikularose 